So long ago, when first considering the lap band, one of the benefits I always saw in it was that it often eliminated depression. Mind you, I was never one to believe that I had depression until my Gyn. prescribed me a low dose of Prozac for his diagnosis of Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder. I won't go into great detail about it here as it can be searched on the internet, so suffice it to say it is PMS 100 fold. Back on topic, I came to find while on this medicine, I was much happier, more even keeled; thus, my own assessment that I must have some form of depression, right? My husband began to complain after a few years that I seemed rather 'flat' emotionally. It was interesting: our different perspectives, because I didn't see it that way, again I called it being 'even keeled'. Either way, we saw things quite differently. So, the test began. . .
In July, I went off the medicine to see how I'd do. My anger certainly came back in a wash that consumed me to a cellular level! That was a bit surprising. Other than that, I seemed ok, but the anger issue was enough that I knew I needed to get myself back on the medicine. So at the end of July I went back on it.
Into August I found that I kept thinking, almost wishing, that God would take me from this place. I wasn't contemplating suicide, mind you, just wishing I'd be put out of my misery. Nothing made me happy. My kids were stressing me out, my slow weight loss had me down, my husband and I were constantly fighting and hateful to one another (at the time I thought it was him, but at this point, I have to wonder), I was stressed with school being back in session, getting kids to practices, picking kids up, teaching ccd and rcia, everything was weighing so heavily on me I would just break down and cry. Of course, i always made sure everyone was off to school and work before allowing that to happen. I'd had no energy, I just wanted to sleep but I wouldn't allow myself to do so. "Mind over matter," I was always told. This whole time I just kept telling myself, "Adam Ant has dealt with bipolar disorder all of his life, takes no medication for it, and does well with 'mind over matter' and 'keeping busy' tactics." Thus, I set out to do the same.
And so, 4 months after my SECOND lap band surgery, I'm now down 35 pounds. That in itself would make most people happy, yeah? Well, not me. All I saw was that my first surgery was April of '10 and here I was still with 60+ pounds to lose while my girlfriend whose had hers for roughly the same amount of time has lost 70#. So bought some clothes to make myself feel better, knowing full well that in a couple of months I wouldn't be able to fit them and they would join the piles of clothes I already had that I'd bought and was no longer able to fit into due to weight loss..
On top of this, my special needs kid was getting in constant trouble at school and it almost looked as though they were paving the way for his suspension and/or expulsion and here I was, trying to figure out what the hell to do about any of it. Sometimes, it was all just too much.
I have to ask myself, "How the hell did I muster the energy and mental/emotional capacity to deal with all of this last year?" and I found that I can't answer that.
So. . . .depression? Um, yeah, I think so.
In July, I went off the medicine to see how I'd do. My anger certainly came back in a wash that consumed me to a cellular level! That was a bit surprising. Other than that, I seemed ok, but the anger issue was enough that I knew I needed to get myself back on the medicine. So at the end of July I went back on it.
Into August I found that I kept thinking, almost wishing, that God would take me from this place. I wasn't contemplating suicide, mind you, just wishing I'd be put out of my misery. Nothing made me happy. My kids were stressing me out, my slow weight loss had me down, my husband and I were constantly fighting and hateful to one another (at the time I thought it was him, but at this point, I have to wonder), I was stressed with school being back in session, getting kids to practices, picking kids up, teaching ccd and rcia, everything was weighing so heavily on me I would just break down and cry. Of course, i always made sure everyone was off to school and work before allowing that to happen. I'd had no energy, I just wanted to sleep but I wouldn't allow myself to do so. "Mind over matter," I was always told. This whole time I just kept telling myself, "Adam Ant has dealt with bipolar disorder all of his life, takes no medication for it, and does well with 'mind over matter' and 'keeping busy' tactics." Thus, I set out to do the same.
And so, 4 months after my SECOND lap band surgery, I'm now down 35 pounds. That in itself would make most people happy, yeah? Well, not me. All I saw was that my first surgery was April of '10 and here I was still with 60+ pounds to lose while my girlfriend whose had hers for roughly the same amount of time has lost 70#. So bought some clothes to make myself feel better, knowing full well that in a couple of months I wouldn't be able to fit them and they would join the piles of clothes I already had that I'd bought and was no longer able to fit into due to weight loss..
On top of this, my special needs kid was getting in constant trouble at school and it almost looked as though they were paving the way for his suspension and/or expulsion and here I was, trying to figure out what the hell to do about any of it. Sometimes, it was all just too much.
I have to ask myself, "How the hell did I muster the energy and mental/emotional capacity to deal with all of this last year?" and I found that I can't answer that.
So. . . .depression? Um, yeah, I think so.
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